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Damn it.  Now I’m curious.  Interested…in that way.  I did NOT expect that.  You queued up the music, and started the dance.  And there I was, stepping on the dance floor as Chatty Cathy, thinking all we were doing was catching up, pleasantly surprised at how much we still had in common now in our late 30’s.  And like any good male dancer, you took the lead, starting a subtle, liquid tango.  Now I am forced to improvise, clumsy as I catch up to the beat of the music, keenly aware that the dance has already started and I’m late to the game.

I’ll admit - at first, I was more concerned that I would hurt you again, somehow lead you on, repeating the same mistakes I made so long ago.  After all, when you reached out to me on Facebook and asked if I remembered you, I almost fell out of my chair.  It was the same day I posted an apology written with 3 very specific men in mind - and, as irony would have it, you were one of them.  Your timing was surreal.

You were surprised to hear that I remembered every detail of our little high school romance 20 yrs ago…you were flattered by my memories of the past, encouraged by my compliments now.  Yet, I still saw you as the boy in high school…and you had become a man.  An experienced single man.  Looking back on the past few weeks, I am laughing at my own naivety.  The opportunity was there to show me the man you had become, to dangle it out there like a shining fishing lure, just to see if would I bite.  In my own arrogance I let my guard down immediately - I mean really, 20 yrs have passed, and a high school fling?  At best, maybe a new friendship.  At best.

Meanwhile you put the chess pieces in place, confident with your ripped body, many accomplishments, humor and wit.  You were careful to balance these things with humility, honesty, and the kind of genuine demeanor that I loved in you so long ago.  You weaved together what you remembered of me in the past together with the woman I have become, and patiently fostered a “no pressure” pursuit.  I ate it up - hook, line and sinker.

I did not even see it coming…my curiosity.  I know you would smile if you read this, knowing your intentions were exacting the desired results.  You got me, and I am very curious.  Nervous, even, about seeing you this weekend.  Yes, I have imagined kissing you - deeply.  There is something very intriguing about resurrecting innocence of the past to experience it as adults…dangerous, delectable.

But…

Do you really believe I’m not paying attention to your innuendos and allusions?  That even, after so much time, I don’t already anticipate your hidden desire to even the score a little?  That the end game is to have me fall for you, so this time decision making power on what happens next belongs to you, not me?   You know what gave you away in our conversation last night?  How purposely you controlled the tempo, how fast you took back the lead the second I started to direct the discussion, but mostly, the way in which you laughed when I called you on it.  You knew I had started to figure it out - and took delight in it.  No fear.  No corrections.  Just that “knowing” laughter.  Impressively ballsy.  Not surprising though - after all, the advantage is all yours  - you, supremely confident…me, less so, my self-esteem haven taken a consistent beating the past few yrs.  Yet I’m too curious now to turn back now, and you know it.

There’s only one catch.

You have awakened a sleeping tiger, and the dance you have chosen…I have practiced.  More times than you.  More passionately.  More intensely.  I have compensated for the imperfections I have today but honing my skills in all other areas of the game.  I’ve tailored my weaknesses into a wild card you can’t begin to anticipate.   No doubt we will have a blast when we get together - conversation is effortless, laughter and fun is a foregone conclusion.  Perhaps it will ultimately lead to a new and treasured friendship.  I wonder, though, how you will feel when my steps sync up with yours…when the dance becomes suddenly, imperceptibly, more fluid and untamed?  I’m ready.  Let’s dance.