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Understanding Pursuit Theory in Dating
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Somewhere on a playground, a little girl pinches a little boy and then turns and runs away. The little boy gives chase. He’s not entirely sure why he’s chasing her, or what he’ll do if and when he catches her, but he does it anyway. He doesn’t even stop to think about it, all he knows is that he must chase her. She, on the other hand, only knows she wants him to chase after her. The only way to do this is to invite him to do so, but not through words. No, she invites him through actions. Should he give up chasing her, she’ll turn around and pinch him again to restart the event. Neither the little boy nor the little girl are thinking much about what they’re doing or why it’s important to them; this behavior is seemingly in their DNA. This is the very basis of pursuit theory.
Pursuit theory is my way of describing how men and women should behave in order to attract suitable dating material. The idea is to weed out those who aren’t all that interested or those who are just interested in sex. I’ve developed this theory as the go-to guy for dating advice for my friends over the course of years and it rarely disappoints. The best thing about it is its simplicity. The only thing you need to remember is this: the guy’s role is to pursue the girl and the girl’s role is to invite the guy to pursue.
Note the subtle difference here. The girl should not be doing the pursuing at all, she should simply be letting the guy know that she wants to be pursued. This is really important to keep the balance of power where it should be: with the girl. There are a lot of guys who are really good at getting girls to pursue them; this is the typical pickup artist mentality. The trouble is that most of them are just after sex, and once they get it, they’re on to the next challenge. As a guy with a lot of female friends, I’ve seen this pattern repeated over and over again to devastating effects. For girls, making the guy pursue you is the best way to discern his intentions. Most guys who are just after sex won’t put forth much effort in pursuing you, so making them do some work initially can quickly weed them out.
On the guy’s side, you need to be prepared to pursue the girl. That means you call her, you pick out date locations, you indicate your intent. You also need to be on the lookout for invitations to pursue her or indications to back off. Whenever she invites you to do something, that means you should pursue. Invitations may be small such as, “why don’t you join us?” or large such as her giving you her number. Failing to pursue her after an invitation likely means that your window of opportunity has passed.
Pursuit theory goes after what seems to be the core interaction between guys and girls, the same interaction that first presents itself on elementary school playgrounds around the world. For some reason, guys like to pursue things while girls love to make others pursue them. Feeding this nature puts both parties into their comfort zones and things tend to move fairly smoothly. It’s a game of give and take where the players both understand the rules.
Now, some will consider this old-fashioned, and maybe even too strict. I’d invite you to give it a chance, though, before dismissing it. I’ve seen it work for many of my friends, and I’m confident it can work for you. There are some subtle nuances to this approach that I’ll be discussing in the future. For now, let the theory swirl around in your head and see if it resonates with you.